Change

"You get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place, like you'll not only miss the people you love but you'll miss the person you are now at this time and place because you'll never be this way ever again."

All throughout our lives, we interact with people. We hold doors open for those behind us. We thank the man who puts our grocery bags in our carts. We get new roommates that we've never met before. No matter how hard we try, there's not escape from people. But every once in a while, you meet someone who comes into your life and makes a real difference. In some cases, it's a number of people all at once.

However, with every hello, there must be a goodbye. Right? In a sense, yes. But in others, no.

"It's not goodbye it's see ya later"

Life is simply a story that we decide to write. And just like a story in a book, we have characters, settings, and moods that are constantly changing. Sometimes, when a character leaves, it seems like things will never be the same again. Characters return though. They might leave for a chapter or two, continuing their own story line, but they'll come back, if that's what the author wants.

"You'll come back, when they call you"

I am the author of this story. I know what I want. Even though things have changed recently doesn't mean that they'll be that way forever. "Just because everything's changing doesn't mean it's never been this way before." 

So for all those of you who have helped me in my life, especially recently, I thank you. For those I may not see for a while, I look forward to seeing you again. The people we associate with are the ones that make us who we are, whether or not we see them all the time. Thank you for making me me.

"Enjoy your youth. You'll never be younger than you are at this very moment."

This very moment. The one that you remember forever. The one you'll forget in an hour. The time that you enjoy and love. The times that you dream about over and over. The fun. There's one single thing that makes the moments the ones that last a lifetime. That thing is people. Who you're with. Friends.

What kind of friend am I? What do people say about me when I can't hear them? The whispers from the walls and voices around the corners tell me one thing. I do in fact have enemies. But I also have friends. Don't I? 

They tell me that everything happens for a reason. The people you meet, you meet for a reason. You find the friends that will bring out the best in you. The kind of friends that at the end of the day, you have one single thought.

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

I've lost all control of words. The things that I'd like to say, but I know that I shouldn't. I already told you that you'd find out eventually. But it's nearly impossible to not tell you now. I'll manage I think. I hope.

In that moment, that exact second, I knew I had lost you

Is it weird that I still look at your pictures all the time? Probably. Will I stop? No chance. I still listen to all of our songs. I'm listening to one right now in fact.

"Wish you were here"

I do wish you were here. So incredibly badly. I just want to see you again. I don't know if you'd let me hug you, but I'd like that. I worry about you. I hope that you're doing alright.

I Miss You

Secrets

"I've got a secret.

It's on the tip of my tongue,

It's on the back of my lungs.

And I'm gonna keep it.

I know something you don't know."

I do know a secret. I know something that no one else does. It's a pretty good secret if you ask me. I wonder if you are wondering what it is. I might tell you. I might not. You'll probably find out eventually. Actually, I know that you will. 

I have another secret. This one isn't as well kept. The people closest to me know it. They can feel it in my thoughts, and hear it in my voice. They wonder if I still miss you. Of course I do. I think about you quite often in fact. I think that you're doing better though. I'm truly glad about that. 

Every so often though, I slip. I'll say something that people know is about you. I'll say your name on accident instead of someone else's. Because my thoughts still are for you. My curiosities make me wonder about your thoughts. But that's alright. No one really knows the full truth. And I doubt that anyone ever will. That's alright too. Isn't that what secrets are for?

For you

In the darkness, everyone wants to see the light. Not me. I'd like to just see first. I'd like to see a smile, a wave, a hello. Maybe. The last hello didn't end well. Will this one?

"The clock struck twelve"

It's gone. The time's run out. How could I have missed that? I've been so careful. Checking and rechecking. I'd look every time. Too scared to close the tab because what if when I come back, there's nothing left?

"There's no tick-tock on your electric clock"

Now I can feel it in the holes between my thoughts, the crescents of the turn table. The closing of the chapter. Why did the chapter end? What does the next chapter read? You've let go, but have you really gone? I'm sure it is so.

"It's time to go. We're calling your number now you see. The clock's run out."

They think they can stop me. They think that they'll catch me. When I'm gone, trust me I'm gone. I wish I didn't have to go. But I do. Don't I? Let the tide carry me away. Let the salty water fill the gaps in my thoughts. Let it rush into the missing pieces. Let it go.

Waking up with a sense of lost thought. The only light that I can find is hidden behind the shadows of the clouds. Where did the stars go? The moon that lights the way?

One day I'll find the truth that we all look for. The answer to that everlasting question that seems to always go unsaid. Until then, I have another idea. I think it's time for me to go. I think the truth of the matter is that I can't find the right. I'm stuck here. Playing these keys over and over like I'm trying to convince myself of something. The piano sings in return, but the song isn't sad. For just a moment there's a smiling tune coming back. Oh yes, it's time to go.

There's no one left to look for. There's nothing left to find now is there? The snow falls heavy on the stars now. Leaving a loud echoing 'goodnight' in my heart. The truth is, I like the sound of it. Maybe after the song ends, then things will be different. Maybe they won't. 

They couldn't possibly understand. There is so much that I have to say. So much that I want to say. I wish I had seen you at church on Sunday. But I understand why you didn't want to come. I am so incredible sorry that I didn't get to see you my dear. I wish I had.

I'm glad that you had an alright time though. It sounds like it was nice to see some old friends! I do recognize a few of those names. I'm really sorry that people were asking you things that you didn't want to talk about. I'm really glad that you had Jessica there for you. She's a really great girl. She had a good example ahead of her.

That's so awesome that you got to hang out with Challis for a while! He really is a good guy and it makes me truly happy to hear that he's doing well. I hope that he sticks with it too. He has a good heart and I really am glad that I know him. I've really wanted to watch Once Upon a Time! It looks so good! and to hear you talk about it makes me want to watch it more! Maybe I'll start it soon.

I am so sorry that I had already gone. I wasn't planning on leaving as early as I did, but my roommate came and spent the night at my house and then came to church with me. Right after sacrament they did my Ordination to be a Elder. Then my roommate was leaving because he had a meeting at 130 in Logan, so my dad said to just go with him because he didn't want to have to drive all the way up here. When Zack told me that you were going to come see me my heart dropped. I would have stayed to see you. I would have made my dad drive me. I would have done anything. I'm so sorry.

I know that social networks make things really hard. Every single thing that you say on any of the sites makes me wonder if you're thinking about me. Because I think about you a lot. For what it's worth most of my tweets and stuff are about you. I'm sorry that you saw the post from my friends of Facebook. But believe me when I say that they are simply that. Friends. I actually have friends now! Crazy huh? ;) That was my attempt at comedic relief. You do make me happy friend. You do.

Listen to the voices that are telling you the truth. Because I do love you. I always have. And I always will. If you ever want to call me, do it. I'll always answer. And if for some weird reason I can't, I'll get back to you as soon as physically possible. Don't forget that I love you.

I'll tell you one simple truth my dear. I hate this. I really really do. I hate not being able to call you or come over and see you. I would like to. But I can't. You think so low of me now, like I'm doing this for my own joy and enlightenment. Well that's not it at all. I'd give anything to hold you every day. But I doubt you'd let me ever again. The truth is this. I love you.

I can't forget you. Forgetting you is like trying to sand away the skin on my bones. I could try and try, but the more I push the harder it hurts. You mean too much to me. But I doubt you believe that too. I wish you would though. I meant everything I ever said to you. If you think that I'm trying to get you out of my life, you're wrong. I hope that you know that.

I wore your ring all day today. I saw your family and nearly lost it in the middle of the pew. I saw your face in your brothers and the whole world stopped. My bones still ache and muscles scream. But none of that matters anymore. Because my heart seems to have given up. I don't feel much anymore.

I wonder if you'll even see this. I doubt you will. But if you do my love, know that it is truly that. I love you. I hope that you believe me. Because I do. I hope to see you again someday, because sometimes scenes end, new characters come out, and the plot takes a different turn. But other times, it's simply a change of scenery. The characters stay and the plot just changes a small bit. I always want you in my story line. Always.

Lord, Tonight I ask for only one thing. Please watch over her. Keep her safe. Keep her strong. She's so angry with me you see. I wish so badly I could express the way I feel, the way my heart seems to have split into a million tiny pieces. Now this whole world seems that much darker. Where did the brightness go? I  lost it.

She thinks I don't care. She thinks that I did this because it was easy, and that I couldn't wait to go. But that's not it at all. I can't hold her back. All along she claimed that I deserved someone better. All along she was so wrong. She deserves someone better. Because she deserves the best. I wish so badly it wasn't like this. I'd give anything for it to be different. Anything.

I love her ya know. So much. She doesn't believe that anymore, but it's true.

I love you.

This One's for You

I've had a sense of deja vu,
It starts with me and ends with you
The ending that we see is true,
It ends with me, it ends with you.

Every moment seems to get longer without you. Every step that I take. Every song that is sung. The moments that I spend with you, ah man, those are the best. I can't help but to constantly smile, laugh, enjoy. Thank you for that.

There isn't a whole that I have left to say on the subject. I hope I haven't left anything unsaid. Because I really truly care for you my dear. I really do. I struggle with the words that I can't seem to find, but I hope you can feel them though.

Thank You Love

Perfect

per·fec·tion

 [per-fek-shuhn]

noun

1.

the state or quality of being or becoming perfect.

2.

the highest degree of proficiency, skill, or excellence, as in some art.

3.

a perfect  embodiment or example of something.

4.

a quality, trait, or feature of the highest degree of excellence.

5.

the highest or most nearly perfect  degree of a quality or trait.

The state of being perfect. I want to be perfect. I know that I never will though you see. I know that no matter how hard I try, it just won't happen. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying of course. You'll never stop me.

You're back. I've found you. I'd like to pretend that I was okay all along, but I wasn't. There was a time where I questioned the sun. The stars seemed to fall for a while. But they're back now. You're back now. Please stay.

Perfect. Nobody's perfect right? Some are very close I think. You're very close I think. Scratch that. You are. To me at least. And who cares what anyone else thinks? I'm glad you're back. Did I mention that already? I hope so. 

Can WE be perfect? Maybe not. Everyone makes mistakes at times. But I know I'm going to do every possible thing in my power to not. Will you do the same? I missed you, you see. I've had enough time with my thoughts to last forever. I know what I where I want to be. With you. And together, what can't we do?

"Maybe if I fall asleep I won't breathe right"

I wish I could just make it all go away. I wish the pain would stop. The hole would fill. The ache would leave.  But it won't. It never will. You know that already don't you?

"Maybe if I leave tonight I won't come back"

I missed you a lot today. It seemed that every way I turned there was something that you would have loved, or something that would have made us laugh. I wish you were here. Your writing scared me. Very badly. Before I had finished the first paragraph I wasn't sure what to do. I do know better. I know that you care about me and I know that you hurt right now. That's what makes this that much harder. I'd like to call you and talk to you. I'd like to text you and tell you how much I love you. But I'm afraid. I don't want to bother you. I don't want to give you a reason to leave.

I hope that you need me. Because I need you. I really really do. I need you to help me smile. I need you to help me care. I need you. "I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it's nothing new." It's nothing new is it? There seems to be this hole in my chest. Some times it feels smaller than others, but it's always there. I know that there's only one thing that can fill it you see. That thing is you.

"I never thought this life was possible, You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for"

It's kind of ironic that you have people fooled, I'm the opposite you see. My roommates know to leave me be. There's only one thing that can fix me you see. They know that there's only one thing on my mind. You. "The only one who's ever known, who I am, who I'm not, and who I wanna be"

Frankly love, I miss you. There's no simple way to put it other then that. I hope that you know I'm thinking about you. I hope you aren't fooled either. You promised you'd never forget how much I love you. Please. Please keep that promise.

I came up with an idea. I think I'm going to just talk to you from here. I know you can't really talk back, and honestly I don't even know if you'll see it really. But that's okay. I guess that I can just imagine what you'd say. You'd probably just call me a dork or something. That's okay too.

It's weird not having a text from you most of the time. Twitter is so boring I don't even get on it anymore. I spend time looking at your pictures on Facebook a lot. But even that won't make the ache dull. Life without you just isn't the same, and frankly my dear, I don't like it.

I wonder how you're doing a lot. Is school okay? How's things at home? How is your family doing? I keep seeing all the jokes that I want to tell you, in fact here's one that cracked me up. "What do you call bananas as shoes?" "Slippers". I thought that was a pretty good one!

I hope you know that I'm still thinking about you my dear. Very very much. I'm still awaiting. Awaiting. But even that's okay. When you call I'll answer. When you text I'll reply. Guess what, my hair got died blue! A little bit crazy I know. I hope you don't think I'm just a copy cat... But the opportunity came and I took it. I hope you'll see it soon my friend.

Anyways, I miss you dear. I hope you haven't forgotten me already. I love you very much.

Don't go. Those are the only two words I can think to say. Don't go. Don't leave me. Don't do this to yourself. Don't beat yourself up over this. I don't care if you've messed up. I don't care. Do you want to know why? Because not talking to you is far worse then anything you could possibly do to me.

Someone once said that if you love someone, you should let them go. I strongly disagree. Wanna know why? Because I made a promise. I promised you that I wouldn't leave. I promised you that I would never stop fighting for you. I plan on keeping that promise. You mean far too much for me to give up.

"I'm about to start the rest of my life, I'd give anything for you to be part of it."

"I will go down with this ship, no I won't put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door. I'm in love, and always will be."

You have this idea that I can do better. That I should be doing better. I can't. You're simply the best. I've told you a million times and I'll tell you again. To me you are perfect. For me you are perfect. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to let go. "Progress involves risk. You can't steal second and leave your foot on first." Love involves risk. There is a chance of hurt. There's always a chance of hurt.

"Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game."

"I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, or still tell you that"

I love you. Nothing is going to change that. If you don't want to talk again, I won't force you to. But please don't be gone too long my dear. Because I need you. For now, I won't bother you. I'll think of you every second though. Now it's my turn to wait I guess. But believe me love, I'm awaiting your call. I'll be awaiting as long as I need to.

"Where'd you go? I miss you so"

I woke up today without you there. Without your presence. I've told you before that no matter what, we're always together. But today I can't find you. Where did you go? Please my friend. Don't leave me here alone. 

The day dreams in my head bring you here. As I walk to class I see you across the way. Walking towards me smiling. I get ready to hug you, embrace you, hold you, care for you. But then I blink. You're gone. Where'd you go?

Please never ever forget how much I care. 

There's monsters under my bed mommy. 

No honey, you're fine. I checked already.

They're back Mom. They're back and they've found me. In the crevices of my thoughts and the corners of my mind. They tell me things that I don't want to hear. Is it the truth? No son, you're fine. 

Could there possible be an end to the madness? The distaste in my mouth tells me no. This is just the beginning you see. Because now they're back and they have voices. 

"We found you" they'll say. "Listen to us" they'll say. Should I listen? 

"We've seen the end of this tale kid. We know what you become, you see. We don't care what you think. Because we know. Listen to us."

I'll tell them to go away. Stay out of my head. I choose my own fate. They won't listen. I cry for them to leave me alone. 

They chuckle in the darkness. 

"Welcome to Hell boy"

Can I tell you a secret? Will you keep it safe? Will you protect it until the end of your days? 

This is something that I've never felt before. A feeling the seems to have found it's way between my pores. It's slipped into my every thought, my every choice, and my every decision. What causes this feeling? Who causes this feeling? What more can be told about this feeling? 

This feeling breath in my lungs. Strength in my bones. Matter in my heart. This feeling is you. 

The strength that you give me. The hope that I feel. I could sit and say all the wonderful things that you do for me. It would take me hours I think. Instead I'll just tell you this. The person that I am now, is a result of you. You've helped me find the ground underneath my feet. I know that you have given me the support and care I need.

The leaves will change, the air grows cold. The sun will dim, and the stars will fall. I hope the same won't happen to us. I hope that the season change won't change the feeling. I don't plan on letting it.

It's the little things that get me. The smile, the waves, the voice. You never leave me you know. You're always here with me. Cracking jokes, sharing smiles. I tell you things that maybe you don't hear, but I do.

You told me that you'd never leave me. I hope you mean that. I hope you know exactly what forever means to me. Forever in your arms. Forever in your heart. Which ever one you choose for me. I'll accept.

I tell you to stay with me, but I'm not sure you have much of a choice. Consciously at least. You own my thoughts. You advise my choices.

These miles have torn us worlds apart

Not really thought. You're still here. I'm still there. 

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder. That's true. But it also makes the heart ache. And hurt. My bones shake at night from the chill of being without you. The warmth that you bring to a heart is in absence. But don't worry. I'm still here when you need me. I'll always be here. Forever. 

I'll come back, when you call me

This is the part you warned me of. 

The end seems to flirt with me. Here it comes closer. Here, it runs away. You couldn't find me even if you tried. The cold wraps around my skin, sucking away at the hope of my dreams.

I can't seem to just let things be. I can't seem to wrap my head around the normality of life. Tonight seems like the end of all things. But what brings tomorrow? Will air still fill my lungs? Will the sun still rise? I know it will. 

They tell me that when you're young, everything seems like the end of the world.

I wonder if you'll even read this. I doubt it. I wonder if my jealousy will be my undoing. The space between my bones seems only to be filled with one thing. And that's you. The care and joy that you show me seem to find the wholes and gaps and fill them. Please know I only care. I do care.

It seems that I have forgotten who I am. They told me that I would make it through this but they were wrong. I've lost any control I've had. I'm your wet article of clothing, hanging from the clothesline outside. The wind sways me back and forth. Rocking away my problems and submersing me in my own thoughts. I get a brush from a child's hand, and the song of the birds in the morning. That's all the comfort I need anymore. I never thought you'd let me get to this point. But you did. You forgot me and I forgot you. That's all there is left. The cold runs through my bones and my blood runs chilled. I'm okay with that now.

I hold on to that thing, the one that makes me smile. You walked in and told me what I needed to hear. Cared when I needed you. But now you're gone. We're apart and there's nothing I can do about it. We laughed together and had fun. We talked and wrote. I trusted you and you trusted me. Regardless of anything that you had going on, you always seemed to make my life seem brighter. But I made the mistake of giving in. Giving up. 

You won't see this. I doubt you ever even look. But I love you. I want to love you. But will you let me? Will the cold overwhelm me and make me disappear? Maybe. Maybe that won't be so bad. I've always wanted to disappear you know. Just go where no one can find me. You might find me though. If you wanted to, you would know where to find me. You always meant so much to me, but now I'm just a memory in a sea of thoughts. I would pray that you'll find me, but you won't. 

Read this. Watch that. Learn this too. I can't stop. Not for a minute. If I stop moving, then maybe it will all catch up to me. What if the past becomes the present? What if that thing I've been running from for so long, is the one thing that I need. No. I know what I need. I need you. But you don't need me do you? We laugh and joke but in the end, who's telling the truth? Come find me. Save me from this that I'm running from. Make the monsters go away. I don't need them anyways.

Save me

Dear Shayla

It would have been your 18th birthday on Friday. They don't put your memoriam in my newspaper anymore, but I still look for you on your birthday and your death day. It's crazy to think how long it's been since you left. 9 years next February. I miss you my friend. I hope you're somewhere happier now. Thank you for always watching over me. You've always been a great friend. Love ya.

May angels lead you in

It's been four days since you last wrote. Where are you? Where have you been? And why can't I find you now? I saw the sunrise and I saw the moon set. If I didn't have the stars I might have forgotten you. Don't forget me

I can't sleep. I can't function. I'm not me. Where to turn? What to say? Who to trust? How to trust? What to do? What to do. I Can't.

Me? Maybe I'll try again tomorrow

The sun rose today. But it didn't shine. Not without you here. The stars came out last night. But the didn't glow. Not without you here. My world smiled today. But it was only an act. Because you weren't here.

Come home.

I said hello to you today, there was no reply. It made me think of the times that i sat there, wanting to call you. I had my turn right? I had my chance to shine, be the one you needed, wanted, and hoped for. But i missed it. I see you say hello to others. Talk to them, laugh with them, tease with them. I thought it was alright. I thought it was just that day. I was wrong. It is everyday. My friend, my friend. It is today and tomorrow. It is yesterday's next week. People change. You changed. A mere hello would have been okay, how are you doing, what else is new. But none of these come. I've missed my chance you see. I wish I could tell you that it bothered me. That to see you smile made me frown. But i can't. Because i had my turn.
I said hello to you today, there was no reply.