Wednesday, October 5, 2016

I've spent the morning wandering around campus. I made it in time for my third class but couldn't do it anymore after that. I went through parts of the school I had never been in, found classrooms I had never seen. I watched people. I saw what they were thinking and feeling or seeing. I imagined I was in their shoes and them in mine. I met a lot of souls today I think.

After a minute i continued wandering, but I also began searching the hallways of my thoughts. I explored empty rooms and narrow passageways that I hadn't seen in years. With each cobweb I brushed away I felt like I lost myself a little bit more. Each step I took I found something else that reminded me of who I'm supposed to be. And reminded me of who I'm not.

As I was walking I reached out and touched one of the walls. It's felt as it should, but I discovered I didn't feel like I should. By the end of my walk I found myself lying in the parking lot staring up at the sky. I knew in that moment that I was broken. Every part of me found a way to crack, even if it was a small one. And between the large wholes and the small splinters I found it. I knew what was happening.

I'm not alive anymore. The weight of life and all it's elements beat me. Those cobwebs never should have been brushed away. Those empty rooms were meant to be left alone. This hollow feeling that I have should have stayed unchallenged. How can I live if I can't even get out of bed?

This is who I am. This is who I am not.