Saturday, August 29, 2015

I'm afraid I've become my own worst enemy. I scare myself. I don't like myself. I'm not good for me.  

There's a moment of our lives where we become someone. We change from being a child to a human. We have personalities, likes, dislikes, problems. We become these things. We become who we are.

I've spent years staring into a broken mirror hoping to assemble the shattered parts of my soul, trying to find a reflection but seeing nothing but the jagged edges of the ruined glass. This is what I've become.

I walk down the street reading street signs, looking at cars, counting the clouds hoping to see myself somewhere. A nice man standing on the corner, laughing with friends, sharing a drink. But I'm not there. I'm here trapped within the four walls of my own mind. Sleeping. Dreaming. Losing. This is what I've become.

I spend most of my time searching. Searching a map written in words I don't understand. Fighting the urge to run, be gone, save the world from the troubles of me. Following paths leading everywhere and nowhere. Running in circles becoming nothing more than I was before. This is what I've become.

The map was lying. The corners not real. The mirror, still broken. But this is who I am. This is what I am. This is how I am. Fragments of a tortured past, and glimpses of a ruined future. 

This is me.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

The rain washes away everything I hope not to be. The scars and bruises running off my skin like dirt off my hands. It washes away the pain and the sorrow. It starts over. 

But soon we're back to the ending. The part where everything's wrong and broken. Where I can't feel my finger tips. Where I forgot how to spell love. The end. "Such a disappointing finish" they tell me. "We came here for a show" they mumble. "Not me," I say "I came here to live. To be alive and to live." 

So we must live. I must live. And be alive. To try again, start over, reset. And I want to. But I can't. Silly boy, you really thought you could do this. Maybe I can. Maybe I can't. It doesn't matter. It's all the same.

Because at the end of the night im still too scared to turn out the light.