Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Nothing else matters because I feel like I'll never get out of this moment.

Some evenings as I watch the sun set, I think I feel some of the Sun's golden rays seeping through the cracks of my skin. It comes like an injection, shooting me up with the warmth found only in the departing sun. Each stream of light coursing through my veins.

This may sound like a good thing. Maybe even something you long for. But it's not. And you shouldn't. You see at the end of every sunset comes the darkness. And with that paralyzing darkness comes the emptiness of each vein. Every once of light drained from the depths of what I was moments before.

So each day I sit and I wait. Waiting for the sunset that will bring me that hope once again. Like my own necessary drug pulling me away from what I'm most scared of. Each day, praying that today will be the day that the sun is enough to make me feel okay. And maybe one day it will be.

This morning I woke up to you. You gently cradled my face in your hand, and reached for my outstretched fingers with your other. You spoke gently and told me it was time to get up, that I was going to be late. You were right. If I had slept any longer I wouldn't have made it on time. Thank you for that.

But in that moment. I would have given anything in the world for you to be there. I would have climbed any mountain or completed any task, just to feel you there with me.

A part of me hopes, that maybe you really were there. That maybe you felt it too.