Dear friend,

Im sorry that it's been so long since I wrote. Life has been busy. Lots to do, lots to see. It has been full of ups and downs. Like all lives are.

Today is not a good day. And it's still the morning. I'm afraid of losing her. I'm afraid that I won't be enough. That one day she'll decide that I'm not worth it. That she's still in love with someone else.

It hurts a lot today. Breathing, smiling, eating. It's all too hard. I woke up and felt sick. Sick to my stomach. I tried throwing up but there was nothing in me to come out. Even if I wanted to eat, I couldn't keep it down. I laid in the shower with the water so hot it burned me, until I couldn't feel anything anymore. 

What a remarkable concept. To not feel. To let go of all emotion and care. 

I hope that everything turns out okay. I hope that I'm the one. I hope that I can become someone worth being. Someone who is wanted and desired. Someone who is someone. Someone who is alive.

I promise I'll be better at writing friend. I hope you're well.

Love always,

Michael.

Sometimes it feels like the world is crumbling in front of your face. Like the paint on the canvas is running off; the door that you need is closing; the song that you play is ending. And there's nothing you can do about it. 

Sometimes we get so consumed by everything. Consumed by thought, sound, memory, light, dark. Everything we think we are and everything we think we know changes. Perspectives shift and the world gets darker. 

These are the moments I need you most.

I'm the worst person I've ever met