Sunday, September 30, 2012

I came up with an idea. I think I'm going to just talk to you from here. I know you can't really talk back, and honestly I don't even know if you'll see it really. But that's okay. I guess that I can just imagine what you'd say. You'd probably just call me a dork or something. That's okay too.

It's weird not having a text from you most of the time. Twitter is so boring I don't even get on it anymore. I spend time looking at your pictures on Facebook a lot. But even that won't make the ache dull. Life without you just isn't the same, and frankly my dear, I don't like it.

I wonder how you're doing a lot. Is school okay? How's things at home? How is your family doing? I keep seeing all the jokes that I want to tell you, in fact here's one that cracked me up. "What do you call bananas as shoes?" "Slippers". I thought that was a pretty good one!

I hope you know that I'm still thinking about you my dear. Very very much. I'm still awaiting. Awaiting. But even that's okay. When you call I'll answer. When you text I'll reply. Guess what, my hair got died blue! A little bit crazy I know. I hope you don't think I'm just a copy cat... But the opportunity came and I took it. I hope you'll see it soon my friend.

Anyways, I miss you dear. I hope you haven't forgotten me already. I love you very much.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Don't go. Those are the only two words I can think to say. Don't go. Don't leave me. Don't do this to yourself. Don't beat yourself up over this. I don't care if you've messed up. I don't care. Do you want to know why? Because not talking to you is far worse then anything you could possibly do to me.

Someone once said that if you love someone, you should let them go. I strongly disagree. Wanna know why? Because I made a promise. I promised you that I wouldn't leave. I promised you that I would never stop fighting for you. I plan on keeping that promise. You mean far too much for me to give up.

"I'm about to start the rest of my life, I'd give anything for you to be part of it."

"I will go down with this ship, no I won't put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door. I'm in love, and always will be."

You have this idea that I can do better. That I should be doing better. I can't. You're simply the best. I've told you a million times and I'll tell you again. To me you are perfect. For me you are perfect. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to let go. "Progress involves risk. You can't steal second and leave your foot on first." Love involves risk. There is a chance of hurt. There's always a chance of hurt.

"Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game."

"I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, or still tell you that"

I love you. Nothing is going to change that. If you don't want to talk again, I won't force you to. But please don't be gone too long my dear. Because I need you. For now, I won't bother you. I'll think of you every second though. Now it's my turn to wait I guess. But believe me love, I'm awaiting your call. I'll be awaiting as long as I need to.

Friday, September 28, 2012

"Where'd you go? I miss you so"

I woke up today without you there. Without your presence. I've told you before that no matter what, we're always together. But today I can't find you. Where did you go? Please my friend. Don't leave me here alone. 

The day dreams in my head bring you here. As I walk to class I see you across the way. Walking towards me smiling. I get ready to hug you, embrace you, hold you, care for you. But then I blink. You're gone. Where'd you go?

Please never ever forget how much I care. 

Monday, September 24, 2012

There's monsters under my bed mommy. 
No honey, you're fine. I checked already.

They're back Mom. They're back and they've found me. In the crevices of my thoughts and the corners of my mind. They tell me things that I don't want to hear. Is it the truth? No son, you're fine. 

Could there possible be an end to the madness? The distaste in my mouth tells me no. This is just the beginning you see. Because now they're back and they have voices. 

"We found you" they'll say. "Listen to us" they'll say. Should I listen? 

"We've seen the end of this tale kid. We know what you become, you see. We don't care what you think. Because we know. Listen to us."

I'll tell them to go away. Stay out of my head. I choose my own fate. They won't listen. I cry for them to leave me alone. 

They chuckle in the darkness. 

"Welcome to Hell boy"

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Can I tell you a secret? Will you keep it safe? Will you protect it until the end of your days? 

This is something that I've never felt before. A feeling the seems to have found it's way between my pores. It's slipped into my every thought, my every choice, and my every decision. What causes this feeling? Who causes this feeling? What more can be told about this feeling? 

This feeling breath in my lungs. Strength in my bones. Matter in my heart. This feeling is you. 

The strength that you give me. The hope that I feel. I could sit and say all the wonderful things that you do for me. It would take me hours I think. Instead I'll just tell you this. The person that I am now, is a result of you. You've helped me find the ground underneath my feet. I know that you have given me the support and care I need.

The leaves will change, the air grows cold. The sun will dim, and the stars will fall. I hope the same won't happen to us. I hope that the season change won't change the feeling. I don't plan on letting it.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

It's the little things that get me. The smile, the waves, the voice. You never leave me you know. You're always here with me. Cracking jokes, sharing smiles. I tell you things that maybe you don't hear, but I do.

You told me that you'd never leave me. I hope you mean that. I hope you know exactly what forever means to me. Forever in your arms. Forever in your heart. Which ever one you choose for me. I'll accept.

I tell you to stay with me, but I'm not sure you have much of a choice. Consciously at least. You own my thoughts. You advise my choices.
These miles have torn us worlds apart
Not really thought. You're still here. I'm still there. 

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder. That's true. But it also makes the heart ache. And hurt. My bones shake at night from the chill of being without you. The warmth that you bring to a heart is in absence. But don't worry. I'm still here when you need me. I'll always be here. Forever. 

I'll come back, when you call me
This is the part you warned me of. 

The end seems to flirt with me. Here it comes closer. Here, it runs away. You couldn't find me even if you tried. The cold wraps around my skin, sucking away at the hope of my dreams.

I can't seem to just let things be. I can't seem to wrap my head around the normality of life. Tonight seems like the end of all things. But what brings tomorrow? Will air still fill my lungs? Will the sun still rise? I know it will. 

They tell me that when you're young, everything seems like the end of the world.

I wonder if you'll even read this. I doubt it. I wonder if my jealousy will be my undoing. The space between my bones seems only to be filled with one thing. And that's you. The care and joy that you show me seem to find the wholes and gaps and fill them. Please know I only care. I do care.

Friday, September 21, 2012

It seems that I have forgotten who I am. They told me that I would make it through this but they were wrong. I've lost any control I've had. I'm your wet article of clothing, hanging from the clothesline outside. The wind sways me back and forth. Rocking away my problems and submersing me in my own thoughts. I get a brush from a child's hand, and the song of the birds in the morning. That's all the comfort I need anymore. I never thought you'd let me get to this point. But you did. You forgot me and I forgot you. That's all there is left. The cold runs through my bones and my blood runs chilled. I'm okay with that now.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

I hold on to that thing, the one that makes me smile. You walked in and told me what I needed to hear. Cared when I needed you. But now you're gone. We're apart and there's nothing I can do about it. We laughed together and had fun. We talked and wrote. I trusted you and you trusted me. Regardless of anything that you had going on, you always seemed to make my life seem brighter. But I made the mistake of giving in. Giving up. 

You won't see this. I doubt you ever even look. But I love you. I want to love you. But will you let me? Will the cold overwhelm me and make me disappear? Maybe. Maybe that won't be so bad. I've always wanted to disappear you know. Just go where no one can find me. You might find me though. If you wanted to, you would know where to find me. You always meant so much to me, but now I'm just a memory in a sea of thoughts. I would pray that you'll find me, but you won't. 

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Read this. Watch that. Learn this too. I can't stop. Not for a minute. If I stop moving, then maybe it will all catch up to me. What if the past becomes the present? What if that thing I've been running from for so long, is the one thing that I need. No. I know what I need. I need you. But you don't need me do you? We laugh and joke but in the end, who's telling the truth? Come find me. Save me from this that I'm running from. Make the monsters go away. I don't need them anyways.