Secrets

"I've got a secret.

It's on the tip of my tongue,

It's on the back of my lungs.

And I'm gonna keep it.

I know something you don't know."

I do know a secret. I know something that no one else does. It's a pretty good secret if you ask me. I wonder if you are wondering what it is. I might tell you. I might not. You'll probably find out eventually. Actually, I know that you will. 

I have another secret. This one isn't as well kept. The people closest to me know it. They can feel it in my thoughts, and hear it in my voice. They wonder if I still miss you. Of course I do. I think about you quite often in fact. I think that you're doing better though. I'm truly glad about that. 

Every so often though, I slip. I'll say something that people know is about you. I'll say your name on accident instead of someone else's. Because my thoughts still are for you. My curiosities make me wonder about your thoughts. But that's alright. No one really knows the full truth. And I doubt that anyone ever will. That's alright too. Isn't that what secrets are for?

For you

In the darkness, everyone wants to see the light. Not me. I'd like to just see first. I'd like to see a smile, a wave, a hello. Maybe. The last hello didn't end well. Will this one?

"The clock struck twelve"

It's gone. The time's run out. How could I have missed that? I've been so careful. Checking and rechecking. I'd look every time. Too scared to close the tab because what if when I come back, there's nothing left?

"There's no tick-tock on your electric clock"

Now I can feel it in the holes between my thoughts, the crescents of the turn table. The closing of the chapter. Why did the chapter end? What does the next chapter read? You've let go, but have you really gone? I'm sure it is so.

"It's time to go. We're calling your number now you see. The clock's run out."

They think they can stop me. They think that they'll catch me. When I'm gone, trust me I'm gone. I wish I didn't have to go. But I do. Don't I? Let the tide carry me away. Let the salty water fill the gaps in my thoughts. Let it rush into the missing pieces. Let it go.

Waking up with a sense of lost thought. The only light that I can find is hidden behind the shadows of the clouds. Where did the stars go? The moon that lights the way?

One day I'll find the truth that we all look for. The answer to that everlasting question that seems to always go unsaid. Until then, I have another idea. I think it's time for me to go. I think the truth of the matter is that I can't find the right. I'm stuck here. Playing these keys over and over like I'm trying to convince myself of something. The piano sings in return, but the song isn't sad. For just a moment there's a smiling tune coming back. Oh yes, it's time to go.

There's no one left to look for. There's nothing left to find now is there? The snow falls heavy on the stars now. Leaving a loud echoing 'goodnight' in my heart. The truth is, I like the sound of it. Maybe after the song ends, then things will be different. Maybe they won't. 

They couldn't possibly understand. There is so much that I have to say. So much that I want to say. I wish I had seen you at church on Sunday. But I understand why you didn't want to come. I am so incredible sorry that I didn't get to see you my dear. I wish I had.

I'm glad that you had an alright time though. It sounds like it was nice to see some old friends! I do recognize a few of those names. I'm really sorry that people were asking you things that you didn't want to talk about. I'm really glad that you had Jessica there for you. She's a really great girl. She had a good example ahead of her.

That's so awesome that you got to hang out with Challis for a while! He really is a good guy and it makes me truly happy to hear that he's doing well. I hope that he sticks with it too. He has a good heart and I really am glad that I know him. I've really wanted to watch Once Upon a Time! It looks so good! and to hear you talk about it makes me want to watch it more! Maybe I'll start it soon.

I am so sorry that I had already gone. I wasn't planning on leaving as early as I did, but my roommate came and spent the night at my house and then came to church with me. Right after sacrament they did my Ordination to be a Elder. Then my roommate was leaving because he had a meeting at 130 in Logan, so my dad said to just go with him because he didn't want to have to drive all the way up here. When Zack told me that you were going to come see me my heart dropped. I would have stayed to see you. I would have made my dad drive me. I would have done anything. I'm so sorry.

I know that social networks make things really hard. Every single thing that you say on any of the sites makes me wonder if you're thinking about me. Because I think about you a lot. For what it's worth most of my tweets and stuff are about you. I'm sorry that you saw the post from my friends of Facebook. But believe me when I say that they are simply that. Friends. I actually have friends now! Crazy huh? ;) That was my attempt at comedic relief. You do make me happy friend. You do.

Listen to the voices that are telling you the truth. Because I do love you. I always have. And I always will. If you ever want to call me, do it. I'll always answer. And if for some weird reason I can't, I'll get back to you as soon as physically possible. Don't forget that I love you.

I'll tell you one simple truth my dear. I hate this. I really really do. I hate not being able to call you or come over and see you. I would like to. But I can't. You think so low of me now, like I'm doing this for my own joy and enlightenment. Well that's not it at all. I'd give anything to hold you every day. But I doubt you'd let me ever again. The truth is this. I love you.

I can't forget you. Forgetting you is like trying to sand away the skin on my bones. I could try and try, but the more I push the harder it hurts. You mean too much to me. But I doubt you believe that too. I wish you would though. I meant everything I ever said to you. If you think that I'm trying to get you out of my life, you're wrong. I hope that you know that.

I wore your ring all day today. I saw your family and nearly lost it in the middle of the pew. I saw your face in your brothers and the whole world stopped. My bones still ache and muscles scream. But none of that matters anymore. Because my heart seems to have given up. I don't feel much anymore.

I wonder if you'll even see this. I doubt you will. But if you do my love, know that it is truly that. I love you. I hope that you believe me. Because I do. I hope to see you again someday, because sometimes scenes end, new characters come out, and the plot takes a different turn. But other times, it's simply a change of scenery. The characters stay and the plot just changes a small bit. I always want you in my story line. Always.

Lord, Tonight I ask for only one thing. Please watch over her. Keep her safe. Keep her strong. She's so angry with me you see. I wish so badly I could express the way I feel, the way my heart seems to have split into a million tiny pieces. Now this whole world seems that much darker. Where did the brightness go? I  lost it.

She thinks I don't care. She thinks that I did this because it was easy, and that I couldn't wait to go. But that's not it at all. I can't hold her back. All along she claimed that I deserved someone better. All along she was so wrong. She deserves someone better. Because she deserves the best. I wish so badly it wasn't like this. I'd give anything for it to be different. Anything.

I love her ya know. So much. She doesn't believe that anymore, but it's true.

I love you.

This One's for You

I've had a sense of deja vu,
It starts with me and ends with you
The ending that we see is true,
It ends with me, it ends with you.

Every moment seems to get longer without you. Every step that I take. Every song that is sung. The moments that I spend with you, ah man, those are the best. I can't help but to constantly smile, laugh, enjoy. Thank you for that.

There isn't a whole that I have left to say on the subject. I hope I haven't left anything unsaid. Because I really truly care for you my dear. I really do. I struggle with the words that I can't seem to find, but I hope you can feel them though.

Thank You Love

Perfect

per·fec·tion

 [per-fek-shuhn]

noun

1.

the state or quality of being or becoming perfect.

2.

the highest degree of proficiency, skill, or excellence, as in some art.

3.

a perfect  embodiment or example of something.

4.

a quality, trait, or feature of the highest degree of excellence.

5.

the highest or most nearly perfect  degree of a quality or trait.

The state of being perfect. I want to be perfect. I know that I never will though you see. I know that no matter how hard I try, it just won't happen. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying of course. You'll never stop me.

You're back. I've found you. I'd like to pretend that I was okay all along, but I wasn't. There was a time where I questioned the sun. The stars seemed to fall for a while. But they're back now. You're back now. Please stay.

Perfect. Nobody's perfect right? Some are very close I think. You're very close I think. Scratch that. You are. To me at least. And who cares what anyone else thinks? I'm glad you're back. Did I mention that already? I hope so. 

Can WE be perfect? Maybe not. Everyone makes mistakes at times. But I know I'm going to do every possible thing in my power to not. Will you do the same? I missed you, you see. I've had enough time with my thoughts to last forever. I know what I where I want to be. With you. And together, what can't we do?

"Maybe if I fall asleep I won't breathe right"

I wish I could just make it all go away. I wish the pain would stop. The hole would fill. The ache would leave.  But it won't. It never will. You know that already don't you?

"Maybe if I leave tonight I won't come back"

I missed you a lot today. It seemed that every way I turned there was something that you would have loved, or something that would have made us laugh. I wish you were here. Your writing scared me. Very badly. Before I had finished the first paragraph I wasn't sure what to do. I do know better. I know that you care about me and I know that you hurt right now. That's what makes this that much harder. I'd like to call you and talk to you. I'd like to text you and tell you how much I love you. But I'm afraid. I don't want to bother you. I don't want to give you a reason to leave.

I hope that you need me. Because I need you. I really really do. I need you to help me smile. I need you to help me care. I need you. "I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it's nothing new." It's nothing new is it? There seems to be this hole in my chest. Some times it feels smaller than others, but it's always there. I know that there's only one thing that can fill it you see. That thing is you.

"I never thought this life was possible, You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for"

It's kind of ironic that you have people fooled, I'm the opposite you see. My roommates know to leave me be. There's only one thing that can fix me you see. They know that there's only one thing on my mind. You. "The only one who's ever known, who I am, who I'm not, and who I wanna be"

Frankly love, I miss you. There's no simple way to put it other then that. I hope that you know I'm thinking about you. I hope you aren't fooled either. You promised you'd never forget how much I love you. Please. Please keep that promise.