Tuesday, November 22, 2016

"You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to things you don't want to feel"

Most humans have a terrible fear of falling. Falling from large heights, falling in a nightmare, possibly even falling in love. Not me. My fear of falling comes from a much smaller place. I fear falling from myself. 

I never want to know how it feels to lose myself completely, but each day I seem to get closer to finding out exactly what it's like. Remember the first time your gym teacher made you run a mile? Remember how it felt like it would never end? This is worse. What if I never can grasp on to who I am? What if I can't ever find my own peace of mind? What if falling is all I'll ever do?

They say that everything happens for a reason. You have to feel sad so that you can feel happy. You need to know pain so that you can know joy. I need to know you so that I can know me. I don't know if that makes any sense. I don't know if any of this makes sense. But you make sense to me. You seem real, you seem right. 

I need to find myself. I need to figure out who I am. I want to. I want to feel joy and be happy and love and laugh and cry and be okay. But I don't. Why don't I? I have it all, I just need to do it. I just need to live. To participate. To be alive.

Sometimes I feel like I'm talking underwater. i know what I want to say but I can't be who I'm meant to be. And slowly the water fills my lungs and I'm left without a single breath inside of me. But yet I'm still here. I'm still breathing. And soon the sun breaks through and touches my skin and all of the sudden there's nothing left. My lungs are empty, my tears are running, and the sun is gone. Here I am. Don't choose me.

I don't know what I'm saying at this point. I'm writing to avoid going to sleep. It doesn't make any sense I'm sure, but know that I mean it. Each day the sun comes up and so do I. I try to rise up and be better, every morning I try to discover a little more of who I am. I'll keep trying. Until every ounce of energy has left my fingertips and there's simply no more notes to play. I don't know anymore. I just know this. The sun does rise some days. One day I might too.

"In the middle of the war, you have to remember what you're fighting for."

I remember. I know who I am.

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